Sharing Crosses

 

“He humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.” – Philippians 2:8

 

“Do you envy others because their crosses are lighter than yours?” This was the question asked by the priest in yesterday’s mass celebrating the Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross. I nodded my head again and again and again in agreement giving those bobble head dashboard dogs a run for their money.

 

Do you also feel that way once in a while, sometimes, most of the time? Here you are a solo parent struggling to raise your kids and there are your friends and relatives with their perfectly complete families. Oh they have some problems too: how to get their visas in time for their vacation abroad, where to hold their milestone birthday bashes, things like that. I’m exaggerating but I have heard this complaint from a couple of sisters in HIP (Hero Independent Parents - our Solo Parent Ministry at Feast Bellevue): “Why is that woman (the one who stole her husband) enjoying a better life than me???? She gets the cars, and the house, and the foreign trips while my ex-husband doesn’t even give enough in child support.” Sounds familiar?

 

Heck, I don’t know why the crosses of others are lighter and that pains me often. But what the priest said struck my tear ducts. “Crosses are meant to be shared. Humanity was on a vicious downward spiral until God decided to share our burden, our suffering, our cross. The cross was ours to bear but Jesus carried it for us. Even Jesus needed Simon of Cyrene to carry His cross…Do you find your cross heavy? Have you asked others or even God to share your burden? Or we can ask, ‘What have you done to lift the burdens of so many people around us overwhelmed by the crosses they bear?’” (Fr. Emmanuel Alfonso)

 

So my dear fellow heavy lifters, do not be afraid to ask for help. The main thing that helped me survive solo parenting was the help of my parents, relatives, and friends especially my Feast brothers and sisters. Even the mere act of asking for prayers is already a major step.

 

On the other hand if you have a lighter cross, it is your duty to help carry the cross of your brethren. Sometimes what you think is the least you can do (praying for them or giving time to listen) is what it will take to lift them.

He’s Got Your Back

Yesterday was my husband’s death anniversary. It’s been 35 years. How did I survive especially those years as a very young widow? (Warning: computing my age causes split ends to your eyelashes. ;) And I did say very young.)

It was because my father always had my back – both my earthly and divine fathers.

“The most vivid image I have of my support system was when my boys were toddlers. We got home from a whole-day outing, and they had fallen asleep in the car. When I was going to carry one of them inside the house, the other woke up and cried, not wanting to be left behind. He wanted me, not my dad to carry him. The one I was carrying woke up too and wanted the same thing. “Only Mommy will carry.” So, I had to carry both of them, one on each arm. As I was mounting the stairs to our room, Papa walked behind me with his hands propping my back so I wouldn’t topple over. He is the perfect example of a solo parent’s navigational aid – a physical support and emotional guide.”  (From Chapter 11 of my book The Happy Solo Kit: Tools and Supplies You Need to Survive Solo Parenting without Losing Your Marbles)

Worry is a solo parent’s constant companion, a pesky one who will not leave you alone. Childhood illnesses. Budget that barely reaches the next payday. House maintenance like part of our roof flying off in a storm. Car problems I couldn’t figure out. And a thousand and one other things a solo mom faces alone.

Over the course of 35 years, God has dulled my worry meter by showing me He is always there when I call. Of course, I never fail to remind Him it wouldn’t be so hard if He had not taken Dodo away. I’m bratty that way. It’s a good thing He has a sense of humor and ever ready with His saving graces. Healing. Financial windfalls in the nick of time. Sending people who will help with the house and the car and the thousand and one things that plagued this solo mom.

One of the things that helped me to transform from that clueless young widow to a HIP (Hero Independent Parent as we call our Solo Parents Ministry at the Feast Alabang) is the knowledge that my Father God takes care of my tomorrows.

Happy Father’s Day to both of you!

How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem After A Rejection

When I was interviewing different types of solo parents for my book, one fact became glaring: the pain is more intense when the spouse has passed on to another house (sumakabilang bahay) than if he had passed on to another life (sumakabilang buhay). The rejection and the blow to the ego caused by abandonment or infidelity magnifies the pain of losing a partner. This is also true for single moms whose boyfriends just left them high and dry after getting them pregnant.

All my interviewees went through despair and grief but for those who experienced betrayal, these were compounded by feelings of anger and insignificance. Being dumped for somebody else or being abandoned crushed their self-image. 

If you’re a solo parent and a member of Tropang Rejected, how do you rebuild your self-esteem?

Repurpose and Re-Purpose Your Life

A crisis teaches us many life lessons. This lockdown caused by the COVID-19 pandemic has blessed me with a mindset shift that I believe will also help you feel your worth anew. I discovered how to repurpose and re-purpose. 

Repurpose means to adapt for use in a different way other than what it was originally intended for. For instance, we found new uses for the rooms in our house because of the community quarantine:

1. Living room to prayer room where we hear mass and pray the Angelus and family rosary daily
2. Guest room to personal space for yoga, Zumba, workout and Muay Thai practice
3. Boys’ room to family gym

Re with a dash (Re-) means once more, afresh, anew. Re-purpose then would mean finding new motivation or refreshing your purpose. I couldn’t find “Re-purpose” in the dictionary in this form, but it took on this meaning for me when I found renewed impetus for writing, painting and even cooking/baking. These were things that I love to do that have been shelved for an awfully long time. The lockdown gave me the chance to refresh these interests and revitalized my life’s purpose.   

Repurposing and re-purposing your life will revive your sense of significance. It will give your battered ego and feelings a much-needed boost when you find new use for your life that some cad did not think was worth treasuring. In adapting your old life to your new normal of living without a partner, you will find unknown strengths, become more adept with old skills, and discover hidden talents.

Here are some questions that might help in your rediscovery journey:

·        1. What did you love to do that you had to give up because you became a wife and/or a mother?

·        2. What new thing would you like to learn now that you don’t have a husband or partner to hold you back?

·        3. What are you doing now or what do you have that you can repurpose to help others? For this, let me use as examples a couple of heroic Feasters who had something that they repurposed for the good of people in need. They are not members of the Tropang Rejected, just to be clear.

o   My friend from our Marian Pilgrimage group, Geraldine Maquinay, repurposed her canteen concession and catering business to feed the poor and hungry who were not receiving relief during the lockdown.

o   One of our worship leaders at The Feast, Mikey Cas (not a solo parent), repurposed his car into a shuttle for frontliners at the height of the quarantine.  

What can rebuild your self-esteem better than doing something you are good at? What can improve your self-image better than being able to accomplish something new? What can give you a greater sense of significance than being of service to others?

Are you feeling useless like these objects? Like these repurposed things you can make something beautiful out of a person that has been rejected.

Are you an unused gift mug gathering dust in storage? 

Repurpose yourself into a vase to hold beautiful flowers.

Are you a discarded bra padding? 

Reinvent yourself into a glitzy face mask.

Are you an old shirt tossed into the giveaway pile after giving the best years of your life? 

Redesign yourself into a sexy and sassy gym top.

Photo from Pinterest

Don’t let rejection make you feel insignificant and unwanted. In one of his homilies, Fr. Dave Concepcion said, “No one can make you feel miserable without your permission.” Let me add to that: “No one can make you feel worthless after you have given your life a new purpose.”

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

A Mother’s Day Tribute to Fellow Hero Independent Parents

God Created a NaTay…

…Out of a broken heart and a tear.

One shoulder He forged from steel,

for her children alone she will bear.

The other He made of soft down

for when they need comfort and care.

One hand He crafted to bring home

the bacon, the bread, and the butter.

While at the same time, the other

keeps her house cleaner and brighter.

God used the breaks to expand her heart,

made more room to love and grow wiser.

Faith and patience, courage and cheer

     – blooms that sprung from her every tear.

 God created a hero out of a broken heart and a tear.

Reset Your Life

“New wine must be poured into new wineskins.” – Luke 5:38

Blogging/writing is something I enjoy doing. It is also my small way of giving back the glory to God for all His blessings. But these past few years, it has taken a back seat to other interests. I only blog diligently to journal my travels abroad.

Day 21 of QuaRetreat, Bro Arun and Sis Lallaine Gogna’s nightly quarantine retreat on FB Live, gave me something to think about. These are the things they said that pricked my sleeping passion:

“When your gadget is not working properly, you reset it so it will function very well. In this lockdown, the Lord is resetting the world, even us. Do you know what it is the Lord is changing in you? There’s something there that you don’t see. When this lockdown happened, you saw it in a different angle. The Lord is changing us. The Lord is showing us something we need to reset.”

Bro Arun added this prayer: “I pray you say yes to God and press the reset button.”

That talk stirred the waters. I thought about my blogs. I have 3 – My B.A.G. of Miracles, Happy Faith and Happy Fit & Fab. The first two were unfocused and I somehow “lost” them. (Read more about that in Start Here of this blog.) Days after that fateful talk, I began to research, to refocus, to redesign and more importantly to repurpose my blogs. As I did these, excitement to write again gripped me. The clearer focus for each blog filled my head to overflowing with ideas of the things I wanted to write about. These are the new directions my blogs will be taking:

•         Happy Solo Faith will be dedicated to solo parents. I performed surgery on my old blogs to cut out its heart for solo parents and transplanted it here. My aim is to make it a survival guide for them.

Hero Independent Parents 2019 Retreat 

(Photo from HIP FB page)

•         Happy Feet & Travel B.A.G. is a new blog that will be launched very soon. It will be dedicated to travel, what else 😊 This was a segment of my old blogs and given its own home. It will feature more than my previous travel logs. This is exciting me no end. How excited? I’m writing a blog post and already ideas for two or three more articles are already knocking...no make that pounding…on the door. That excited!

Marian Pilgrimage 2019 

•         Happy Fit & Fab has always been clearly focused on fitness but this lockdown prompted me to make the focus more defined and reboot it into a fitness and fabness blog for people over fifty. (So, when I reach that age, I’ll know what to do hahaha)

Sun Warrior with Walis for the creative yogi under lockdown

There Lord, I’ve pressed the reset button.

I’m passing on Bro Arun’s question to those reading this blog especially solo parents who feel lost and afraid: What is the Lord asking you to reset in this COVID-19 lockdown?