A Heart Like His Own

 

“Generosity is not about how much you have given, but about how little you have kept for yourself.” – Fr. Dave Concepcion

Yesterday, I was looking for a beautiful quote to go with the watercolor painting I just finished to make an inspirational e-poster. And right away, God sent the inspiration this morning. At mass, during the celebration of the Feast of Sta. Maria Goretti, Fr. Dave repeated the above quotation which had struck me when he said it during his homily a few days ago.

My blog today will not be about deep reflections and thoughts or life-changing events in my life. It will simply be a gratitude post for God’s generosities to this Happy Solo Mom:

“Thank you, Lord for sustaining my sanity in this pandemic through my spiritual family in the The Feast and the new spiritual home I found in Sta. Maria Goretti. Thank you for showing me, through them, that generosity still abounds in this world.

Thank you for my children Jaffy and Julian (Buddy) whom You have gifted me with right around this time many seasons ago and the generous nature You have nurtured in them.”

Generosity is not just about giving material things. It is about having “a heart like His (God’s) own” (A Generous Heart from Sovereign Grace Music).

My heart still swells with pride and joy when I remember New Year’s Day 2019, the last day of our family’s Scandinavian trip. We were in an emergency clinic in Helsinki because Jaffy had a run-in with the hotel’s cabinet door handle and needed some stitches on his head. I saw Buddy helping a man unpack his luggage, repack them and assist him around. I think the man was also a tourist, has cerebral palsy and had no one with him. I was so moved by my son’s generosity to a stranger. Generosity is kindness shown.

Generosity is also about sharing your talents and experiences to help others be better.

Let me share a message I posted in our Hero Independent Parents group telling them about Jaffy’s new YouTube Kids channel, The Curious Monster Lab: “…By the way, he’s the one who wrote the epilogue in my book about growing up in a solo parent family. It just goes to show that by God’s grace, solo parents can still raise good children.” Jaffy’s mission in setting up that channel is not only to educate children, but to help the next generation grow up to be kind, considerate and good people. He always ends his videos with this line: “Be brave, be kind, stay curious.”

One way we solo parents (and all parents in general) can teach our children about generosity is to be models for them, to show them how we can ease the burdens of others by sharing our time, talent, and treasures. But the best way is to constantly remind them that our solo parent family has survived difficult times because God has been generous to us all throughout our journey.

Still…Waiting for THE Vaccine

 

On Thursday, our yoga chat group was abuzz with news from friends getting vaccinated. I asked what brand they were given and was appalled to learn it was Sinovac, one of those that my family and I have decided against. Only one friend in that group shared my apprehensions. Later, another friend from my LG (my caring group) posted she too had gotten her vaccine. She received a text message just that day about her schedule. I got worried. What will I do if I get my notification? I don’t want that brand, but the situation is terrifying.

We were about to end our family rosary last night when my phone text alert went off. It was a message from eZConsult informing me I was scheduled to receive my COVID 19 vaccine. My immediate reaction was, “Oh my God!” I was torn!

Why torn?

First, I had been praying daily for the best protection from this dreaded virus for myself, my family, my relatives and friends, family and friends of family and friends, for my countrymen and for the whole world.

Second, my sister-in-law, a doctor, had just posted an article in our family chat group there are vaccines that will be accepted for travel to Europe, and it specifically mentioned Sinovac was NOT among those.

Third was the timing. It came while we were praying. Was this low efficacy vaccine the best answer to my prayer?

Fourth, we don’t know when the acceptable brands will be coming in. Do I take the risk of losing my slot?

I consulted by best friend/cousin Belle. She was leaning on my side of not getting it but wouldn’t give me that definite push as she said it was my decision. Myrna and Emy from my LG, on the other hand, gave valid points on why we should not pass up this chance. Torn was a mild term to describe my feelings. Finally, I asked my son Jaffy who gave a flat NO! We will wait for a more acceptable brand. That settled it. After that, I felt calm.

But when I woke up this morning, there was this niggling doubt again. Then, I realized I had considered everybody’s opinion but did not seek the counsel of the one being who knows everything and is in control, my God. Although I pray to Him many times every day, I did not really “sit and talk” with Him about this. I begged Him to show me clearly what I had to do and let me know if I was making the right decision. I also asked Him to be as clear as He was during our conversation when Papa was in the ER. I quieted my mind as best I could so I could hear Him, but He was like the wind. I only got wafts of thoughts that I wasn’t sure came from Him…

…Every person has a different faith journey. What was given to my friends may not be the same for me.

…The timing of the notification is sort of a test. Is this what I really want?

What I was assured of clearly though was His protection. As I was praying, I was led to the worship song Still. The lyrics “Hide me now under your wings” were an affirmation of His promise in Psalm 91: “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.” I was reminded that despite the heavy exposure to COVID patients for 5 days while Papa was in the ER last year, our whole family was spared.

During mass, God finally set my mind at peace. Fr. Dave’s homily answered the remaining doubts and confirmed the wafts of thoughts I had been given:

·        “God will satisfy you, grant you abundance ACCORDING to your needs, not your wants.”

Myrna had lost a brother-in-law to COVID and her niece and her family are currently suffering from it. Emy has comorbidities. Both need the assurance of protection from any vaccine.

I need another brand that will be accepted in Europe. Why?

Because my son works there, and I would like to be able to visit him.

Because before the pandemic struck, I had agreed to join Belle in We Fly, her travel business. We were all set to rent an office and launch our website, but our plans were delayed. We claim that we will be organizing pilgrimages to Europe among other places once the world opens.

Because I have included 2 more places in my bucket list that I read about while preparing for my consecration to St. Joseph: Loreto, where angels have transported, or rather translated, the house of the Holy Family from Nazareth, and Perugia, where the Santo Anello or the “holy ring” that St. Joseph gave to Mary on their wedding is kept in a cathedral there. Both are in Italy, in Europe of course.

·        “Before you are put to the test, God already knows the answer.”

So, the timing was really a test. If the notification had come at another time, I would have easily dismissed it as I already knew I wanted another brand. But the timing made me run to God to delve deeper into what He wants for me.

And so, I will be still while I wait, for I know He is God.

#FaithJourneyInTheTimeOfPandemic – Light in Darkness

“When he has regarded the prayer of the destitute, and not despised their prayer.” – Psalm 102:18

We had cocooned ourselves as best we could from the dreaded virus. Our family strictly followed the quarantine rules. In the beginning, only my niece, the holder of the quarantine pass or more popularly known as the “alay”, would go out to buy essentials. I would ferry her to and from the village gate and, as the CQ eased, would drive her around. I hardly ever got out of the car except to go to the bank. My son and my father NEVER EVER stepped out beyond our gate for 4 and a half months.

It was a peaceful, secure lockdown. My son worked from home while I used the time to grow. I learned iPhone photography and how to pray the rosary in Italian. I took up painting again and revived my blogs. My family must have gained a few pounds because I had time to learn new recipes and even tried my hand at baking. I was blooming where I was planted and even sowed a few seeds as I was invited to speak on solo parenting at two online gatherings. I thought that was my pandemic story. But I was so wrong.

On July 28, our cocoon was ripped apart. My almost 90-year-old Papa suffered a stroke. We rushed him to the emergency room. The nearby hospital triaged him inside our car in their driveway despite his life-threatening condition. We were told he was 5^th in line for the ICU and will not be admitted unless there was a room available. Since it was critical that medicine be administered immediately to Papa, my cousin’s husband told us to bring him to the hospital where he was holding clinic at the time.

By God’s grace and the help of my cousin’s doctor-husband, Papa was given life-saving treatment. But there was still no ICU room available. I thought he was 6^th in line but apparently, I misheard that. He was 26^th in line and people ahead of him had been in the ER for about a week already!!! Papa had to stay in the ER until a room was available – not in a cubicle but right smack in the center of the critical care room in front of the nurses’ station. From our cocoon safe from the virus, we were thrown into a place teeming with Covid patients. The passage from the Apostles’ Creed “descended into hell” became a reality for us.

My cousin Jong, a doctor in the U.S., told me not to stay in the ER as much as possible for my own safety. But I had to keep looking in on Papa because he was being a handful to the ER staff who were overwhelmed by the volume of patients already. Added to the threat of Covid infection was the discomfort. Chairs with butt-unfriendly seats were the only ones available to sleep on in the ER. Occasionally, I would sneak out to the hospital lobby where there were cushioned benches and the calming image of Our Lady of Guadalupe to grab some sleep at night.

On the third day, we ascended…not out of ER hell yet but, by God’s grace…to a curtained cubicle. Every time I would enter the critical care room to go to Papa’s cubicle, I’d hold my breath for fear of inhaling the virus. The curtain separating us from the Covid patient (just my suspicion because of the plastic tent on the bed) in the next cubicle was not very reassuring. I watched in horror as the other bed partly pushed through the curtain and into our cubicle as they were moving the patient out. That fear combined with the hard chair was enough to keep me sleepless that night.

In one of the Breakthrough modules for handling anxiety and depression, Bro Arun Gogna told the story about a sick man who puts a chair beside his bed where he “seats” Jesus to have a conversation with Him every day. I thought of doing the same thing since I couldn’t sleep. Taking the other chair that I use to prop up my feet, I asked Jesus to sit and talk to me. I was surprised by how easy that conversation began. It was like I had a close friend sitting right there beside me. I would ask a question or say something, and He would answer right back. I can’t remember everything that we talked about. All I remember was His comforting presence. When I told her about it, my cousin and bff Belle said maybe it was because most of the conversation was just meant for me.

There was only one part of our conversation I do recall. At one point, I lamented, “But Lord, why do I have to go through this hell? Does it have to be this scary, this difficult, this dark?” Then He answered, “Remember that painting of the cactus bud you just finished? Remember how the whiteness of the bud only stood out when you got the dark background right? IT IS ONLY IN CONTRAST WITH THE DARKNESS THAT THE GLORY OF MY LIGHT CAN BE FULLY APPRECIATED.”

I was stunned! That painting was the hardest to make in my paintography series. It was based on this beautiful photo taken by Paolo Salanguit, son of my caring group head Myrna. Myrna had sent it to our group chat with a very inspiring caption that moved me to immortalize it with a painting.

“First time ever that this old hopeless cactus plant bloomed. Pao and I were amazed. Truly God’s promises never fail even when we feel hopeless at times.” - Myrna

But it was so hard to paint! First, the pressure. The photograph was so skillfully taken, so much better than any of my amateurish efforts. I needed to give it justice. Next was my skill level. I had only taken up painting again during the lockdown after decades of non-practice and there was so much I had to re-learn. It took four attempts with different media and a whole lot of research before I could get the effect I wanted.  

First attempt using wet on wet technique with watercolor

I failed miserably and didn’t even have the heart to finish it.

Second attempt using watercolor pencil

Please note from my other paintings that I hardly put a background. That’s because I’m not confident with my skills yet. I’m afraid of botching up the painting when I’ve gotten the flower to my satisfaction already. I was unhappy with the light background of this one.

Third attempt: watercolor-ed paper sculpture on handmade paper

My son Jaffy suggested I try doing it in mix media. Since I had this handmade paper in the right color, I cut out the flower from the second attempt, did some paper sculpture on it and proceeded to assemble it. I was still dissatisfied as the delicate play of colors on the left side of the background was lost.

The finished painting using watercolor pencil

Perseverance is a virtue – I finally got it on the fourth try. The lightness of the bud stood out when I made the background dark enough.

Truly, God’s glory becomes more brilliant when it is placed in stark contrast to the darkness of our trials.

The darkness:

Papa stayed in the ER for 5 days surrounded by Covid patients. He was swabbed because the hospital assumes everybody is a suspect. If you were admitted for some other ailment, then being confined in the same room with positive cases surely upped your chances of making their suspicion true. The scary thing was sometimes I would catch him with his face mask off. I, too, was barely protected with just a face mask and face shield as compared to the medical staff in complete PPE.

Just as he was about to be discharged, he had a fever and was swabbed for a second time. The wait for the result was agonizing as I feared for my own condition as well and for my family at home who might have been exposed with my comings and goings from the hospital. Tests showed he contracted pneumonia and was infected by bacteria that was resistant to regular antibiotics (one of the residents described it as a super bug). These could have been hospital-acquired which can happen with prolonged confinement.

There I was, again, feeling barely protected from the virus and the bacteria when all the medical staff were required to enter Papa’s room in PPE. My trauma was intensified by the fact that my husband’s final cause of death was hospital-acquired sepsis and not the injuries he got from his accident.

To make matters worse, I was locked down in the hospital for a whole week without a reliever because of the MECQ that was re-imposed after the medical community called for it.

The light:

Despite the exposure, Papa tested negative for Covid twice. After 14 days of self-quarantine from the time Papa was discharged, I also did not exhibit any symptoms; neither did my son, our designated driver to and from the hospital, and my niece who attended to us at home.

Despite being 26^th in line for a room, he was moved out of the ER after 5 days. Furthermore, he was not moved to the ICU (expensive!) because his condition had improved or to a private isolation room (more expensive!!) because he was Covid-negative. It was a miracle that a small private room (affordable and just what we were praying for!!!) became available.

Despite the odds because of his age, Papa survived the stroke and is ambulant with the help of a walker (lent by Oying Isidoro, a brother from our Feast family whose recovery from his illness is an amazing and inspiring story). Added to that is his speech which is no longer slurred. Instead of continuing his speech therapy, we make him lead in praying the rosary every day.

God’s grace was evident in the overwhelming moral and spiritual support from family, friends and my Feast community even if they were given mostly online. I could sense heaven caving in under the barrage of prayers when the miracles came one after the other.

God hears the prayer of the destitute. In these trying times, never forget that. His glory will shine through this darkness.

Ministry of Presence: Taking a Faith Walk with Adult Children

Sometimes, I receive messages like these:

“Hi! Can I call you? I need your advice.”

“Sis, I just want to share my feelings now. It seems my fear of being left alone is coming true.”

Or questions like these when I get invited to give the occasional talk:

“What do you do with hard-headed teen-aged children who hate you for making them obey your rules?”

“When is the right time for a solo parent to begin dating?”

I have a quick retort for the last one: “Malay ko ba. I can’t relate noh!!! Strict ang payrents ko.” But seriously, these are heart-stopping moments for me. Why? Because I’m afraid I will be asked for wisdom that I might not have. I, of course, always invoke God’s wisdom before engaging the people who seek answers from me. Many times, I’d be surprised by an advice I’d give because I know that definitely didn’t come from me. At other times God would nudge me to remember an experience (mine or someone else’s) that is related to the question.

But half the time, I’m clueless myself especially when it comes to the topic of making adult children accede to your wishes. I’m sure many parents with adult children will agree it was so much simpler when they were small. They need to take medicine? You can hold their cheek gently till it’s swallowed. They’re due for a check-up with the pediatrician? You can carry them to the car. It’s time to go to mass? You can promise them a balloon after mass. Their room is a mess? You can make a game with shoot the toys in the basket.

Now, try making your adult children do these things and these are what you’ll get: eyes rolled till they reach the backs of their heads, a fight, roars of laughter or a deaf ear.

Recently, my heart bled for a solo parent sister whose adult child left their family home for reasons she was not happy with. All I could tell her was to keep praying for her child and the cause of their situation. But after that, my heart was uneasy. Is there something more we parents can do other than pray? Fighting, forcing them to obey will only make things worse.

Yesterday, I got the answer from Fr. Ted Torralba’s birthday homily for the online mass of Sta. Maria Goretti based on this bible passage:

“The Kingdom of God is at hand.” – Matthew 10:7

He cited as an example a family member who does not attend mass with you even online, even with the conveniences of modern-day gadgets. He said:

“How do we handle the issue? Not by lecturing where they should be but by making ourselves a part of their lives. How? Celebrating with them their blessings, standing with them in their struggles. They know how much our faith means to us and our presence with them gives that faith credibility. We call this the Ministry or the Apostolate of Presence: just be there. Our love, our acceptance, our care is a proclamation that the kingdom of God is present…Our compassion is a sign that God is right here, right now.”

His words set my troubled heart to rest. What is most important after all, when taking a faith walk with our children, is our presence. This is also true for other people that God sends us to minister, those to whom we proclaim the Kingdom of God.

Fr. Ted ended with this adage and challenge:

“Hands that move are more powerful than lips that pray.”

How to Stay Happy in a Bad Situation

This is an article from my old (now retired) blog that was published years ago. In this time of pandemic when many people’s lives are in an extremely bad state, I thought it would be timely to repost this. I always say: “Happiness is a choice and a disposition of my heart. It is not dependent on my situation.”  Train yourself to see miracles every day.

“A joyful heart makes a cheerful face.” – Proverbs 15:13

We made it to the church on time without going over the speed limit, breaking any traffic rules and giving the traffic aide any reason to harass us for his snack money. We were even early enough to get the best parking space – right beside the entrance to Paco Park.

We couldn’t be late for this wedding. Papa had an important role to play. My newly widowed cousin, the mother of the groom, wanted Papa to walk with her down the aisle.

It was a close shave because my morning was hectic with errands to run. I barely had time to have my nails done so I had to settle for this horribly expensive parlor in the mall.

To save more time, I finished dressing-up in the car: applied eyeliner and lipstick when the light turned red; changed from slippers to shoes (good thing I grabbed the right box); stuffed essentials into my tiny evening bag.  

Midway to the church, I began to relax. We were good. We were on time. Or so we thought.

My cousin, George, who drove for us decided to check out the church first to make sure we were in the right place. Was it Paco Church or Paco Park? He came back with the news that there was no wedding scheduled for the day.

I called my cousin’s mobile number, but it was out of coverage area. I had her home phone number, but I said, “Who will answer that when everybody’s at the wedding?”

The phone rang. My cousin answered. What was she doing at home an hour before the wedding? Feeling something was totally off, I passed my phone to Papa.

We found out we were 3 days late for the wedding. The couple was already on their honeymoon when we got to the church.

They weren’t able to send the invitation, so the details were given over the phone. Papa jotted down Dec. 4 on his planner which I thought was an odd day for a wedding as it was a Tuesday. I kept asking him about it, but he said that’s the date my cousin gave. (Later we found out she did give that date then corrected it.)

Papa began to feel bad about it. He couldn’t imagine how he made that mistake. He also started to blame me – why I didn’t make sure about the date. That didn’t stick though since I never talked to my cousin.

I WAS IMAGING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF THIS HAD HAPPENED TO SOME OF MY MARRIED FRIENDS. It would probably be the declaration of World War 3. The wasted trip, the wasted effort of dressing up and the blame game would have triggered a big fight. (Rejoice all you solo parents out there! This is our one big advantage.)

But by God’s grace we were given joyful hearts and some blessings.

We began to find the mix-up funny and laughed about it.  

We decided not to waste the trip and go somewhere to eat. I wanted to eat in Pancake House and thought there was one along Macapagal Ave. But George saw their branch on Harbour Square. As we enjoyed our pancakes and tacos, we were treated to a spectacular view of Manila Bay behind the Yacht Club.

What do you do when you’re dressed to the nines, all dolled up and you have no wedding to go to? Take pictures of course. I got some fabulous shots with my phone camera.

Instead of the blame game, we played the gratitude game:

• It’s a good thing I only had time for a pedicure. I was saved from a pricey manicure.
• Papa decided not to buy a new suit and just had his old one dry-cleaned. He was happier missing the wedding in his old suit. 
• Since we had no wedding to go to, we had the time to get the car back-up sensor fixed.

Happy tip: Knock some happiness into a bad situation by focusing on the good things. Consciously look for the blessings and the things that suck the joy out of your day will get punched out of the ring. 

How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem After A Rejection

When I was interviewing different types of solo parents for my book, one fact became glaring: the pain is more intense when the spouse has passed on to another house (sumakabilang bahay) than if he had passed on to another life (sumakabilang buhay). The rejection and the blow to the ego caused by abandonment or infidelity magnifies the pain of losing a partner. This is also true for single moms whose boyfriends just left them high and dry after getting them pregnant.

All my interviewees went through despair and grief but for those who experienced betrayal, these were compounded by feelings of anger and insignificance. Being dumped for somebody else or being abandoned crushed their self-image. 

If you’re a solo parent and a member of Tropang Rejected, how do you rebuild your self-esteem?

Repurpose and Re-Purpose Your Life

A crisis teaches us many life lessons. This lockdown caused by the COVID-19 pandemic has blessed me with a mindset shift that I believe will also help you feel your worth anew. I discovered how to repurpose and re-purpose. 

Repurpose means to adapt for use in a different way other than what it was originally intended for. For instance, we found new uses for the rooms in our house because of the community quarantine:

1. Living room to prayer room where we hear mass and pray the Angelus and family rosary daily
2. Guest room to personal space for yoga, Zumba, workout and Muay Thai practice
3. Boys’ room to family gym

Re with a dash (Re-) means once more, afresh, anew. Re-purpose then would mean finding new motivation or refreshing your purpose. I couldn’t find “Re-purpose” in the dictionary in this form, but it took on this meaning for me when I found renewed impetus for writing, painting and even cooking/baking. These were things that I love to do that have been shelved for an awfully long time. The lockdown gave me the chance to refresh these interests and revitalized my life’s purpose.   

Repurposing and re-purposing your life will revive your sense of significance. It will give your battered ego and feelings a much-needed boost when you find new use for your life that some cad did not think was worth treasuring. In adapting your old life to your new normal of living without a partner, you will find unknown strengths, become more adept with old skills, and discover hidden talents.

Here are some questions that might help in your rediscovery journey:

·        1. What did you love to do that you had to give up because you became a wife and/or a mother?

·        2. What new thing would you like to learn now that you don’t have a husband or partner to hold you back?

·        3. What are you doing now or what do you have that you can repurpose to help others? For this, let me use as examples a couple of heroic Feasters who had something that they repurposed for the good of people in need. They are not members of the Tropang Rejected, just to be clear.

o   My friend from our Marian Pilgrimage group, Geraldine Maquinay, repurposed her canteen concession and catering business to feed the poor and hungry who were not receiving relief during the lockdown.

o   One of our worship leaders at The Feast, Mikey Cas (not a solo parent), repurposed his car into a shuttle for frontliners at the height of the quarantine.  

What can rebuild your self-esteem better than doing something you are good at? What can improve your self-image better than being able to accomplish something new? What can give you a greater sense of significance than being of service to others?

Are you feeling useless like these objects? Like these repurposed things you can make something beautiful out of a person that has been rejected.

Are you an unused gift mug gathering dust in storage? 

Repurpose yourself into a vase to hold beautiful flowers.

Are you a discarded bra padding? 

Reinvent yourself into a glitzy face mask.

Are you an old shirt tossed into the giveaway pile after giving the best years of your life? 

Redesign yourself into a sexy and sassy gym top.

Photo from Pinterest

Don’t let rejection make you feel insignificant and unwanted. In one of his homilies, Fr. Dave Concepcion said, “No one can make you feel miserable without your permission.” Let me add to that: “No one can make you feel worthless after you have given your life a new purpose.”

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

A Mother’s Day Tribute to Fellow Hero Independent Parents

God Created a NaTay…

…Out of a broken heart and a tear.

One shoulder He forged from steel,

for her children alone she will bear.

The other He made of soft down

for when they need comfort and care.

One hand He crafted to bring home

the bacon, the bread, and the butter.

While at the same time, the other

keeps her house cleaner and brighter.

God used the breaks to expand her heart,

made more room to love and grow wiser.

Faith and patience, courage and cheer

     – blooms that sprung from her every tear.

 God created a hero out of a broken heart and a tear.